Ahhhhh the airport, the start and end of many an adventure. While I can confirm travel is awesome, the whole airport bit usually isn’t. Most of the time it’s a whole lot of standing in lines, paying too much for things, waiting around and continuously unpacking and repacking your carry-on. With that in mind, I wanted to share a few of the thoughts every traveller has at the airport…
1. “I really hope my bag isn’t too heavy”
Because you packed every pair of shoes you own, even though you’re only going away for a week but, hey, you never know… you might need those super high-heeled platform pumps… in Bali. But hey, if your luggage is overweight you can always just start putting on layers of clothes and hop onboard wearing everything you own!
2. “I should check out duty-free”
Oh no, that’s right, I just spent $10,000 on a new Fendi handbag last trip. But for real, you guys, why do they have so much expensive shit in duty-free? You know what they really need… duty-free Kmart. Yeah, that’s where life is at. I would be ALL UP IN a duty-free Kmart. I would do a Tom Hanks and live in the freaking airport if there was a duty-free KMart in there.
3. “Oh my god, just SHUT the doors right now”
Sometimes, if you’re lucky, there’s a moment when you think you may just be able to jag getting two or three seats all to yourself. The stream of people walking on has dried up, there are just a few stragglers left, wandering onboard like they’ve got nowhere to be and all you can think is, “Please don’t sit next to me.” That relatively peaceful thought is quickly replaced by another, “Shut the got damn doors right now!!” … as you mentally will the flight attendants to seal that bird up and get it in the sky before whoever is supposed to be in 12B finally figures out how an airport works and gets their tardy ass on the plane.
4. “Which line should I pick?”
The old queue roulette… a real favourite game among travellers and one that is most frequently played at the security screening portion of events. Do you choose to line up behind the imploding family, complete with children, nappy bags, strollers and more carry-on luggage than is legal? Do you opt for the businessmen, who surely have enough experience to know what’s expected of them but with the added downside of electronics to remove, coins in pockets, belts and shoes to take off and coats to fold? Or do you throw caution to the wind and line up behind every other regular-looking traveller and just hope for the best?! Either way, you’ll inevitably get it wrong.
5. “I wonder if this airport has free Wifi?”
There’s always a moment where you wonder if the airport you’re standing in has free wifi. If you’re lucky, you’re in a real nice, reputable airport where getting onto some sweet Fi ain’t no thang. But, there are also moments where you’re in a backwater airport outside some guys house, with goats and chickens milling about… you check your phone and, sure enough, there’s wifi. Now comes the real challenge… do you risk your phone contracting some horrific virus/getting hacked and having ALL your e-shit stolen just so you can check ya Facebook OR do you sit there and stare at chickens and goats for 2 hours. We both know you’re going to risk it all for a few moments of internet bliss. So much Wi to Fi!
6. “Maybe if I smile real nice, they’ll upgrade me to Business Class”
That is never going to happen… and yet… I continue to smile sweetly at the person checking me in, hoping if I can get them to fall in love with me in 60 seconds, they’ll upgrade me to business out of the goodness of their heart.
7. “Has this dude been living in a cave?”
You know that moment when you’re lined up at the security screening place and they’re scanning your carry-on luggage and there’s that ONE person who has clearly been living in a CAVE for the past 50 years because they somehow don’t know you aren’t allowed to take a 5 litre bottle of water on the plane… seriously…. you aren’t even allowed to take ya got damn toenail clippers or a Samsung Note 7 on there! Honestly, one day my eyes are gonna roll out my head right onto the floor.
8. “Oh my god, they’re going to arrest me!”
Even though there’s no concealed anything on my body, even though I’ve emptied my pockets, even though there’s nothing suspect in my luggage… I still have this moment when I go through those scanners where I’m convinced the Po-Po are going to jump on me, search me, arrest me and ban me from travelling ever again. It makes no sense. I live in a world of fear.
9. “I’m going to brighten this guy’s day”
Nobody has a poker face quite like the person who checks your passport at the airport border control… AND YET… I’m still convinced if I’m super nice to them, flash them my best smile and say hello real sweet, I’ll somehow brighten their day. I don’t. They don’t care about me. They hate me.
10. “$12 for a croissant… what the fark…?”
You know what…. those airport cops need to stop worrying about what I’m doing and start arresting the damn people running those cafes in airports. The prices they charge for dry, shrivelled up bits of food are criminal.
11. “Should I pee now or hold it?”
Because airport toilets are gross, but plane toilets are grosser.
12. “Good thing I got here 3 hours early…..”
There’s always that moment after you get through all the security, customs crap and find yourself standing in the airport, looking at your boarding pass and your watch, realising you have 2 hours until your flight. Two. Hours. This realisation is especially painful when ya had to wake ya sleepy ass up at 3am to get to the airport ‘in time’ for your 8am flight (or something else equally dramatic).
13. “Not the explosives test AGAIN!”
Even though it’s completely illogical, I always think if I can just put my head down, look really busy and avoid making direct eye contact with them, the person who does the explosives test will just let me go right through. That never happens though, cos it seems the more frustrated you are trying to stuff everything you own back inside your backpack after taking it all out for security screening, the more likely they are to randomly select you for the privilege of receiving the explosives test.
14. “WTF is my passport number?”
Every. Damn. Time. Is there an exclamation point in there? Is it 666*/www.passport642 ?? Who the fk knows! They scan it anyway, shouldn’t it be the Humanoid-computer-robo thing’s job to note it down, sheesh!