There are a lot of fantastic movies out there that have a way of connecting with you and inspiring you to travel. None of those are on this list. This is a list of movies that no travel lover should ever watch. Seriously. Just don’t. A lot of the trailers and images in this post are NSFW, obviously, and NSFL too (not safe for life).
But first, watch this…
1. Wolf Creek
This film just about ruined my own home country for me. So much murder. So much stabbing. I spent most of the film hiding behind my hands, crying, wondering why I had subject myself to watching it. The absolute worst. If you ever want to feel comfortable driving through the Australian bush on your own, DO NOT ever watch Wolf Creek. There are times I don’t stop for fuel at night because I’m scared Wolf Creek gon’ get me. Don’t watch this awful film. Especially if you’re a backpacker. Just don’t do it. Watch the Wolf Creek movie trailer here.
Planning a cruise on the high seas? Do not watch Titanic before you go. Sure, you get to see young Leo in all his glory and, yep, you might have a cry when Kate Winslet can’t be bothered to scooch-the-eff-over on that massive wardrobe door and, instead, lets hot young Leo drown!!! But, guys, spoiler alert the ship hits a massive freaking iceberg and loads of people don’t survive. Not a good omen. Watch the Titanic movie trailer here.
I don’t know how many times I have been standing in a cab line or somewhere else travel-related and had a stranger approach me and then immediately thought of Taken. What the actual crap! Why did she talk to that guy? Doesn’t she know stranger danger is a real thing? Well, homegirl learns a valuable lesson over the next hour and a half. What ensues after she invites a stranger into her life is absolutely, truly my worst-case-scenario-real-life-nightmare. My dad isn’t a secret service/marine/navy whatever, he works in insurance! He can’t save me! Do not watch. Watch the Taken movie trailer here.
Not to be mistaken with a weird movie-length documentary version of ‘The Biggest Loser’, Castaway is eerie is all hell. For real. If that plane goes down like that and you somehow manage to survive and then live in a cave with a ball as your Bae, you’ve got real problems. The thing about this movie is I know I wouldn’t survive like Tom Hanks does. I don’t have it in me, I’m weak. This movie does not bode well for anybody catching a plane anywhere. Avoid. Watch the Castaway movie trailer here.
5. The Impossible
It’s just too emotional and too real. Don’t do it yourself. Just…. don’t. Watch The Impossible movie trailer here.
WTF, Jaws?? Why are you so big?? Why do you hate us so much? This movie really messed me up for a long time, to the point where I couldn’t swim in my own damn swimming pool without an irrational fear of a secret shark trap door that would be opened by Jaws the second I put my head under the water. If you’re going somewhere tropical and want to get in the water at any point, do not watch Jaws. Watch the Jaws movie trailer here.
You will not want to be ‘alive’ after you watch this movie. It involves a plane crash and cannibalism, that’s all you need to know. Watch the Alive movie trailer here.
Who the hell approved this? Why, you guys? WHY!? If you are going backpacking around Europe you should definitely, not now, not ever, watch Hostel. Let me tell you something, if you do watch it, you’re going to regret it. Severely. You can’t take it back either, once you’ve seen it, you’re done. Watch the Hostel movie trailer here.
9. The Grey
Liam Neeson has a dang death wish and I refuse to let him take me down with him!! The horrifying story of an awful plane crash is followed by the very real threats of dying at the fangs/hands of 5,000 different wild animals while battling starvation and sub-zero temperatures to try and get help and be rescued. Not to be watched under any circumstances, especially if you hate flying. Watch The Grey movie trailer here.
10. Final Destination
So, while you’re waiting for your plane to take off you have a vision that you and all your best mates plummet to your deaths when it crashes. No worries, just get off that plane real casual and go chill out at home instead. Everything will be fine, right? WRONG! Death is now pissed that you escaped from its clutches and it is going to hunt you and your bros down ONE BY ONE. Dammmnnnn son. Better get some life insurance, stat! Watch the Final Destination movie trailer here.
11. Cabin Fever
Oh, no big deal. Just a bunch of people stranded in the middle of nowhere while a flesh-eating disease slowly but surely KILLS THEM. I’m buying shares in hand-sanitizer companies. Pronto. Watch the Cabin Fever movie trailer here.
12. The Descent
Think you love spelunking? Thing again, hombre. These bunch of idiots go spelunking and get trapped down there cos, gee, a bad accident happens that nobody (me) could have predicted. Then things get even worse because while they’re trying to escape they realise they’re not the only ones down there. Bad. Bad. Bad. This movie is MESSED UP. I cried just watching the trailer. Watch The Descent movie trailer here.
13. 127 Hours
I’d like to think that if I was trapped in the middle of nowhere with a huge boulder crushing my badly broken arm against a rock, that I could hack it off over the course of several hours, using only my blunt pocket knife, while I slipped in and out of consciousness. But, honestly, I struggle to understand my own tax obligations so… I’d probably just perish. Do NOT watch this before going to the Grand Canyon. You’ve been warned. Watch the 127 Hours movie trailer here.
14. The Blair Witch Project
Nope. Absolutely not. If you are going camping and you watch this before you go, you’ve lost your damn mind. Watch The Blair Witch Project movie trailer here.
15. The Human Centipede
I thought I had a really good grasp on what all my biggest life fears were. Then I read about this shit. No. No way. Two backpackers meet the worst human ever and he decides to connect three people mouth-to-butt in some sort of, oh, I don’t know, INSANELY DISGUSTING PERVERTED HORROR SURGERY and make them into a human centipede. Do. Not. Watch. Watch The Human Centipede movie trailer here.
Ever want to go camping again? Do not watch Deliverance. Watch the famous ‘Squeal like a pig’ scene from Deliverance here.
I spend a lot of time worrying that someone is going to harvest my organs. Seriously. I do. This film takes all those fears and turns them into a real life thing on the screen in front of you. This movie should be avoided at all costs, especially if you are going to Brazil. Watch the Turistas movie trailer here.
18. Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The word massacre is in the title. That’s your warning right there. If you ever want to take a road trip with your friends and not be hacked up by a madman who wishes to wear your harvested skin as a DIY face mask that he probably first saw on freakin PINTEREST, then you should not EVER watch this film. Don’t do it. Just. Don’t. Watch the Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie trailer here.
19. A Lonely Place To Die
Just your casual family-friendly film that tells the charming story of a group of mountaineers in the Scottish Highlands who discover your average garden-variety kidnapped child in a pretty standard underground pit and are then relentlessly pursued by her captors. If you watch this before you go hiking, you’ve lost your mind. Watch the A Lonely Place To Die movie trailer here.
20. Wrong Turn
“Six people find themselves trapped in the woods of West Virginia, hunted down by “cannibalistic mountain men grossly disfigured through generations of in-breeding.” – IMDB. WTF?? Who made this?? If you ever want to sleep again, do not watch this film. Ever. Watch the Wrong Turn movie trailer here.
21. The Hills Have Eyes
Love road trips with your family where you aren’t stalked by a bunch of psychotic desert-dwellers? Then you need to avoid watching The Hills Have Eyes. It’s gross. Really awful. Don’t watch it. Watch The Hills Have Eyes movie trailer here.
22. Wolf Creek 2
Didn’t I already warn you about this shit? Watch the Wolf Creek 2 movie trailer here.
23. The Cabin In The Woods
This damn movie will turn you off AirBnB for life. Essentially, a whole bunch of friends head out into the middle of absolutely nowhere for a ‘fun’ weekend away. One of these idiots, Dana, awakens a whole FAMILY of DEADLY ZOMBIES and pretty much screws everyone else over in the process. Bloody Dana, ruining it for everyone. Do not watch before going into the woods. Watch The Cabin In The Woods movie trailer here.
Ever wanted to be stalked and mauled by a horrifyingly huge Grizzly Bear while lost in the woods? No? Oh, what a surprise. Then you definitely should NOT watch this movie or you’ll be face-to-face with your biggest fears. This damn bear is hungry! He wants some human McNuggets, stat! Watch the Backcountry movie trailer here.
25. Brokedown Palace
This charming little number tells the delightful story of two idiots who decide it’s a great idea to go to Thailand without doing ANY research whatsoever and end up with luggage full of Heroin. Not surprisingly, the authorities find that shit and these birds get thrown in the slammer, in THAILAND, for 33 years. Worst. Holiday. Ever. Watch the Brokedown Palace here, then buy the heaviest duty luggage locks you can find.
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