Since I got home last Friday things have been crazy, to say the least. I remember sharing with you in TW a little while ago that there’s a lot going on in my personal life this year. While those are things I won’t unpack here I do still want to share it with you in another way because it’s made me realise I’m going through a huge period of change at the moment!
Sometimes when things are stressful, it can feel like bad things are happening to you. There have been so many things happening lately I’ve felt extremely stressed. I’ve been unable to eat or sleep. My memory has been terrible, I’ve had no energy and, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t recognise myself. It has taken all my energy just to hold myself up each day. It has felt, at times, like all these bad things just keep happening and, I suppose, I’ve been telling myself they’re happening because I deserve it.
I have felt like I am getting further and further away from what I want and bad things are happening to me instead. Each night I’ve been scared to go to sleep because I’m worried what bad things tomorrow will bring. Each morning I open my eyes and my stomach twists into knots at the dread of what today will bring. I’ve been feeling completely overwhelmed and found myself thinking, ‘I don’t know if I can survive this.’ Not in a self-harming way, just that it feels like I might crumble and fly off into the wind or something.
Slowly, over the past week, I’ve started to wake up to myself. I hate feeling helpless. I really, truly hate it. I began to feel like I needed to reclaim my strength and stop feeling so sad for myself. I started listening to my instincts again and making decisions based on my gut. I started trusting myself again and backing myself whole-heartedly. This all culminated with me facing one very difficult moment where I had to think on my feet, stand my ground and fight really hard for something. And, you know what, I fucking won.
However, immediately after my victory, I felt all the same dread, anxiety and fear come rushing back into the space I had just cleared. It’s not really surprising because, as we all know, that’s just how life works. You don’t pick yourself up only to never be knocked down ever again. You get knocked down time and time again and you have to keep getting up.
So, I picked myself up and tried again. The past few days I’ve been working on myself by going back to basics. If you’ve been reading LGB for a long time you’ll know it took a lot of work for me to get the self-confidence and belief to leave my job and give Little Grey Box a shot. I wasn’t some super confident person who knew it would all work. I was terrified but I was also really sad and I guess the sadness outweighed the fear. That’s the place I arrived back at this week.
Things have taken on their own rhythm, I suppose, and I’ve forgotten that you have to keep working on yourself. I’ve been cruising. Thinking about it now, I believe my body was trying to tell me. My anxiety has been bad this year, I’ve had trouble sleeping and I just feel off. I’ve been blaming myself for a lot of things, putting myself down mentally and feeling silly about my dreams. All of those things are a few of the ways my subconscious has been trying to tell me I’ve become disconnected from my heart. Not that I’m soulless or bad or anything like that, just that I’ve become so focused on the worry, fear and doubt that I’ve forgotten about all the good.
When this week started I felt totally and completely overwhelmed. I didn’t know how I would make it through and I was terrified of what each new day would bring. What I was failing to see is that I am making it through each day, no matter what it throws at me. It doesn’t matter what challenging, horrible, stressful, yucky things happen, I’m still standing at the end of the day and I have been for 365 days a year for the last 31 years. What’s more, I’m a better person now than I ever been and that’s thanks to all the things that have happened. I don’t just get through them – I thrive!
That change in perception has made an immeasurable difference. From there, I’ve realised I’m grateful for all the challenges coming my way at the moment. I know, I’ve been handling every single one like a boss and no matter what happens today, tomorrow or the day after, I’ll handle it too. In fact, I’ll be stronger for it.
I don’t believe there’s some innate line of evil things that are trying to work their way into my life. I’ve just been allowing the challenges to get on top of me because I’ve felt like I deserve them. I felt like they’re penance for all the mistakes I’ve made in my life. So, I took the time yesterday to sit quietly for a while and let all those mistakes come to the surface and I forgave myself for each and every one. Every single decision I’ve ever made in my life has led me to where I am right now and I love my life, so I can’t possibly regret a single one of them. I can only learn from them and do better next time.
At times, I struggle to allow myself to feel worthy of the things I want. I limit my hopes and dreams for Little Grey Box because I feel vain or selfish desiring big things for my life and my business. It’s silly because I’m worried that people will think bad of me for having big dreams but, I never tell anyone what they are… It’s sad, really, because my worry is bringing to life the very thing I fear and the only person I hold back when I do that is myself. Nobody else needs to know what my desires are, I can hold them in my heart and work toward them without judgement or fear. I just need to accept them and allow myself to want them.
This week, my focus is on getting back to building myself up. I am more in control than I have been in a very long time and it feels amazing. When a pang of anxiety, fear, worry or doubt pops up I work through it in my mind, figuring out why I feel that way and addressing the issue. Most of the time, all it needs is reassurance, love and acceptance from myself. It sounds weird but, I have to keep telling myself, ‘I am worthy of all the things I desire. There is nothing I cannot be, do or have. I am patient, confident and worthy.’
I can’t describe how much better I feel this Friday compared to last Friday. And, here’s the crazy thing, nothing has changed except my mentality. The challenges in my personal life are still there, they haven’t magically just disappeared or gone away. They’re all still there but I am too. I’m done resisting all the good things I have in my life and all the good things I want in my life. I’m done putting myself down, telling myself I deserve the ‘bad’ and that everything I don’t have is my own fault.
All the difficulties and hardships, they’ve not just come into my life, they’ve made me better. Each situation that’s challenged me, made me feel uncomfortable, broken me and pushed me to the brink. Every time my bank account has been at zero, every time I’ve been rejected, every time I’ve been lied to, yelled at, hit, harassed, bullied, abused, it’s given me another layer of armour. I’m stronger, smarter and more resilient than ever before.
If you aren’t afraid of me, you’re already one step behind. You think you’re strong, I’m stronger. You think you’re smart, I’m smarter. You think you’re tough, I’m tougher. You think you’re fast, I’m faster.
You think you’re going to come up against me and win, you’re wrong. You’ve severely underestimated how strong I am and the intensity I bring. You think you’re going to bring a storm to decimate me… I am the storm.
Watch the brand new video up on our YouTube channel this week!
Song of the week
The song I’ve been crushing on most this week…
Phoebe is a travel writer and photographer with a love for storytelling and making people laugh. Matt is a videographer and photographer with a passion for the great outdoors and big adventures. Together we inspire big adventures through our guides, videos, vlogs and photographs. Find out more about us here.