I‘m approaching the end of my 20’s at break-neck speed and, I gotta be honest, I’m not at all freaked out about it. I used to think 30-year-olds were really grown-up, but now I’m nearly there myself I realise that’s not the case. You can still be the same irresponsible, pizza-eating, beer-drinking, cartoon watching idiot in your 30’s as you were in your 20’s. A comforting thought, no?
Rather than freaking out about it and writing a ’30 before 30’ bucket list that I will never achieve, packed with things like ‘be big spoon to a dolphin,’ or ‘resuscitate a cat,’ I’m writing a really easy list of 30 things we’ve all already done! Why? It’s hard to say. I was hanging out my laundry and the idea came into my mind and I’m just sort of running with it.
With any luck, we should all be able to tick these off without even trying and then move onto our 30’s and be magically grown-up and completely sensible and never do any of the things on this list ever again… Right, guys? Right??!
1. Get so drunk you vow to never drink again
Nothing feels quite as bad as that moment when you open your eyes and realise you’re so hungover you may actually die. That is, until all the memories from the stupid stuff you did come flooding back in. It isn’t a real hangover unless you take that most holy of vows, “I am NEVER drinking again.”
2. Get that drunk again
Will we never learn?
3. Do something radical and regrettable to your hair
At some stage of your 20’s, you’re going to go through an existential crisis, usually fuelled by an unsatisfying relationship. This calls for one thing and one thing only, do something drastic and completely ridiculous to your hair that everybody tells you looks great when it really looks shit. I went brunette and looked like death warmed up. #TGIBleach
4. Cyber stalk your ex
Every single girl is a crazy ex-girlfriend. We try to hide it, play it cool, laugh at stories of crazy ex-girlfriends, but let’s be real… at some point, you’ve gone loco and cyber-stalked your ex, their entire family, co-workers, their dog and even their library lady.
5. Spend all your money on food and booze
It doesn’t matter if I have $1,000 or $10, I still manage to spend it all on food and booze and regret it when I see my bills piling up. Food converts to energy, though, so it sort of counts.
6. Dance like everybody’s watching
I don’t know who came up with the whole ‘dance like nobody’s watching’ thing, but I know for a fact that I do my best dancing when I’m steaming drunk in public. The booze loosens up the joints!
7. See some 18 year-olds and freak out
I get caught in two weird places when I see an 18-year-old, it’s either; A) “Oh my god… who let that child out of daycare and into Supré?” or, B) “I’m pretty sure I was still wearing scrunchies at that age, this girl looks like she’s 25. What has happened to the youth of today?”
8. Get down to some early 2000’s classics
We’re officially at that age where our old favourites are now ‘old school’ hits. We’re talking Nelly and Kelly’s smash hit ‘Dilemma,’ the entire Justin Timberlake solo career break-out era and, who could forget, the breakout of Mariah Carey, Jennifer Lopez, Ashanti and ALL of Murder Inc. What a time to be alive.
9. Realise you don’t do any real ‘adult’ things
Surely by now we’d be proper adults, with lots of money saved and regular check-ups with a dentist and fantastic beauty routines that we stick to all the time, using top-notch beauty products. Ahhhh no… I’m flat out scraping $2 off the floor of my car, seeing my Dentist bi-Millenially and washing my face with a bar of soap from the 90s.
10. Be hurt by shitty people
I always used to hear grown-ups talking about how they were ‘too old for this shit’ and that they were ‘too old to care’. I’ve got to tell you, I was really excited for that to happen to me. But, no, harsh words still hurt, people can still be mean and I still have a soft heart.
11. Have a messy room
It’s difficult not to feel like a teenager again when your parents come over and see your bomb site of a room…
12. Lose touch with your best friends
It just happens. People grow, they change and life moves on. Even though you swore you’d be besties for life, sometimes it just doesn’t work out that way.
13. Yo-yo diet and regret it
“But, surely there must be a faster and easier way to lose weight than that stupid ‘diet and exercise’ thing…” We’ve tried them all, you guys. We’ve lost. We’ve gained. We’ve starved. We’ve binged. But nothing works quite like diet and exercise does.
14. Spend all your pay way too fast and be broke
Is there anything better than the rush of seeing your FAT bank account balance straight after pay-day? Ahhhh no. Which is why it’s so easy to take your bank card for a trip to the shops and spend dat cheddar. Unfortunately, it’s all to easy to spend way too much way too fast and then spend the next week/fortnight/month eating dry crackers at your desk, hanging out for pay-day again.
15. Not stand up for yourself
There are so many times we find ourselves in hard situations or confrontational ones and don’t stand up for ourselves. Maybe a good one to start working on for the big three-oh.
16. Think of a great come-back way too late
Me: has an awful conversation with a total jack-ass, doesn’t say anything great, feels stupid and leaves
Me: thinks of earth-shattering come-back 6 weeks later…
17. Forget what it’s like to be a kid
A tad depressing, but necessary on this list. Don’t forget what it’s like to have fun, play, see the world with wonder and just BE SILLY!
18. Spend an entire, delicious weekend sleeping
… and then lie about it to your co-workers when you get back to work. “How was your weekend, Suzie?” “Oh, great thanks, Jan. Very busy. Lots done. Very outdoors.”
19. Do some illegal shit
You know you did it. I know you did it. Don’t worry, I ain’t no snitch.
20. Cry for absolutely no reason (repeatedly)
It isn’t a real Sunday night unless you find yourself questioning your entire existence, sobbing int your pillow.
21. Practice your Oscars acceptance speech
Showers and long car rides are about one thing and one thing only…. preparing and practicing for your Oscars acceptance speech/your one-on-one interview with Oprah.
22. Love some A-grade, juicy gossip
We should be above this by now. We shouldn’t love it, but we do. Few things compare to getting an absolute scoop off your best friend, especially if it’s about some petty biatch that wronged you back in the day.
23. Tried on old clothes…
and realised they absolutely, 100% do not fit and you are no longer the same size you were when you were 18. You get bonus points if you cry about it afterwards or rip the seam of the size 8 jeans you tryin’ to wiggle ya bad self into.
24. Share a wine-related meme
May as well just sign ourselves up for the retirement home right now. It’s the start of a very slippery slope to being officially middle-aged.
25. Decide to write a ‘before 30 bucket-list’
and not go anywhere close to finishing it. Seriously, who wants to run a marathon anyway? I run marathons at my home every weekend…. Netflix marathons.
26. Binge-eat in the car
Ohhhhhhhh lordy. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do and sometimes that involves eating a LOT of food, very quickly, while hiding in your car. I once ate half a block of cheese in my Barina and couldn’t look at cheese again for 12 very long weeks. True story. I was going through a big ‘cheese phase’.
27. Try to DIY hairdresser
You will, inevitably, get the urge to cut or colour your hair at home. It’s those damn ads, they make it look so easy with their ‘easy appliqué brush’. You’ll try it, alright, and you’ll well and truly blow it and have to go crawwwwwwwwwwwwling back to your hairdresser begging for forgiveness.
28. Drunk text the ex
The lowest of the low.
29. Not do your laundry
and wear some very, very questionable items of clothing that could very well be ground-zero for some nasty outbreak
30. Read this list and share it with everyone you know
because you’re a really nice person and you sort of tolerate me and my blog and want to be the change I want to see in the world.