Awwww yeah! Australia Day is right around the corner you guys. Grab ya thongs, ya shrimps and ya bar-bee and get ready, cos it’s going down. Seriously though, how the heck is it nearly Australia Day already? Weren’t we just counting down to Christmas? I’m freaking out. If you need me, I’ll be in my wardrobe crying about all the time I’ve wasted throughout my life. Heavy.
More importantly; with such a big day coming up, we all need some inspiration on the best ways to celebrate. After all, isn’t it the day we all stop to pay homage to our brave and fearless Australian leaders: Hugh Jackman, Stefan and Alf from Home and Away?! Man, I really love Stefan and his luscious, bouffant hair-do.
If you aren’t from Australia but want to impress your Aussie mates, or just feel closer to us as a nation, you’re also welcome to enjoy any of these suggestions. Of course, if you’re a bonafide Australian-o you’ll most likely already be planning on doing all of these, I’m sure. A lot of these are mandated by law, so, they’re super serious, you guys.
1. BBQ like a mother-flipper
If you don’t host or attend at least one BBQ on Australia Day, you are rounded up by the Government and sent to ‘Australia Exile Island’ a.k.a Tasmania. There you must spend the rest of your days thinking about what you have done and never, ever celebrate Australia Day again. There are no snags, steaks or beers in Tasmania. You’re forced to be a raw paleo vegan. We take it very seriously.
2. Get drunk way too early in the day
Ahhhh yes, the most humble of Aussie Day traditions. You wake up at 8am, realising your party doesn’t properly start until 1pm. But, you’ve sort of got everything organised already and nothing to do. But, wait, you’ve also got an entire fridge full of beers and jelly shots. What to do? What to do? Ah, yes, drink it all and pass out by 5pm after embarrassing yourself horribly in front of your friends and family. Perfect.
3. Watch pests race
Now, THIS is a real thing. We actually do this. Let me tell you something, world… Europe… whatever, if you walk into a pub on Australia Day and they aren’t racing cockroaches, it’s a massive let down. There’s nothing quite like watching an intrusion of cockroaches racing in the shadows of a thousand raucous, screaming Australians, wagering on their leg movements and will to win. It’s weird but awesome.
4. Use words you never usually use
STREUTH! Australia Day is the ridgy-didge, true-blue time to rip out all ya best slang-a-rang-a-dang-a-dingo, if it doesn’t make sense… especially if it doesn’t make sense.
5. Cover yourself with temporary tattoos
It isn’t Australia Day unless you have 20 Australian-themed temporary tattoos stuck to your body and/or face. We’re talking Southern Cross, Boxing Kangaroo, Aussie Flags galore and, of course, a map or two of our oddly shaped mother-land. The more tattoos, the more patriotic you are and the more likely it is Hugh Jackman will notice you and bless you.
6. Play a spirited game of cricket, footy or frisbee
You haven’t really celebrated Australia Day properly unless you’ve undertaken a friendly, social sporting event of some kind. We’re talking backyard cricket, throwing the footy around or whipping frisbees at one another. I don’t think the cricket match counts unless you use your esky or wheelie bin as the stumps. Apparently, if you use actual stumps the Prime Minister (whoever it is at the time) comes over to your house and gets to kick you in the shins. Sledging at both events is strongly encouraged.
7. Throw no shrimps on the bar-bee
That’s not a real thing, America. We don’t do that. We buy prawns pre-cooked, en-mass from Woolies then spend 7,000 hours peeling the bastards.
8. Eat an entire jar of Vegemite with a spoon
While we don’t eat shrimps on bar-bees, it is a well-known and long-respected Australia Day tradition that you start your day by eating an entire jar of Vegemite with a spoon. If you don’t do it, your friends get to take turns slapping you in the face with a thong. #Truth.
9. Watch Muriel’s Wedding and The Castle
At precisely 7pm every person in Australia sits down to a mandatory screening of Muriel’s Wedding, followed immediately by that most beloved of Aussie comedies, The Castle.
10. Steal New Zealand’s stuff and claim it as our own
One of our favourite things to do on Australia Day, and something we take great pride in, is stealing New Zealand’s shit and passing it off as our own. We know no shame; Lamingtons? Straya! Pavlova? Straya! Russell Crowe? STRAYA! Crowded House? Definitely Straya. Phar Lap? Greatest Strayan horse to be bred on our fine shores.
11. Run around in the sprinkler
Everyone knows Australia Day is the hottest day of the year, by default. Australia senses our great Aussie pride and decides to test us all by setting its ambient temperature to: SUDDEN DEATH. Mmmm toasty. The best way to cool down isn’t the pool because that isolates you from your patriotic mates. The best way, of course, is to drag out the sprinkler and turn it on low so you can all stand in it, simultaneously chatting, drinking and being really Australian.
12. Host a sick burnout comp
If you find yourself renting your abode, it’s mandatory you host an amateur burnout comp in your street at dusk. Everyone does it. It’s all essential you attach Australian Flags to your car windows, so you look like a super-patriotic Aussie gangsta as you roll by in your Commodore or Falcon.
13. Wear stuff you’d never, ever normally wear
Australia Day is officially the only day it’s acceptable to buy your entire outfit from Crazy Clark’s. Those mofo’s will sell out quick, too, you gotta get down there and buy your Aussie flag singlet, blue shorts, Southern Cross bucket hat, sunnies and weird necklaces with shot glasses attached to them for no reason. Obviously, you’ll throw it all out the next day because it’ll be: a) Filthy and b) reeking of alcohol and all the exhaust fumes from ya burnout comp, MACCA!!
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