You idiot

Monster 5Hindsight, it’s a beautiful thing. I like to think we all learn from our past mistakes and keep what we’ve learned in mind at all times to help us avoid issues in the future. Unfortunately, when you’re running 30 minutes late for work, haven’t slept properly for weeks and are in the middle of a catatonic-rendering juice cleanse, hindsight goes right out the window. That’s when bad things start to happen. You’re going along, happy as Larry, next thing you know you’re halfway through packing up your house only to realise you don’t have enough boxes to pack things in! Crap! Cue a mercy dash to Fort Knox Storage.

Recently Matt, in a state of sleep-deprivation and hunger, accidentally (and permanently) deleted a 30 minute video of Brisbane’s annual Riverfire fireworks spectacular. His devastation got me thinking about the vile, stomach-turning moment when you realise you’ve done something really stupid. Here is my list of the top 5! (P.S all images in today’s post were drawn by me.)

1. Total lock out.

Monster 3The horrible, gut-wrenching instant you realise you just locked yourself out of your house or car. There are usually two moments in particular when you work out what you’ve just done, they are:

a) the very second you close the door and hear it click shut, sealing your fate, or

b) the sickening moment you reach in your bag/pocket for your keys and realise they aren’t there.

Both of these moments are always followed by a short period of self-loathing and self-deprecation which involves the use of phrases such as ‘You idiot!’, ‘What’s wrong with you?’ and, in particularly low moments, ‘I can’t believe I’ve done this, I need to get my life together, I’m a joke.’

Sometimes, if you’re really unlucky, you may lock yourself out of both your house and your car.  Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, if you’re really, really unlucky, you may find yourself in the middle of the lock-out trifecta and realise you left your mobile phone inside the house or car you just locked yourself out of. You can’t drive nowhere, you can’t sit nowhere, you can’t even tell Facebook it happened. Rock. Bottom.

2. The sayonara data.

Monster 1The nauseating moment you permanently and irrevocably delete something, like the only footage of your grandma blowing out the candles on her birthday cake when she turned 98. You tosser.

It’s amazing how technology can retain an infinte amount of ‘dirt’ on people, such as flirty text’s, dirty pictures sent to a scorned ex-lover or your less than innocent internet search history. Despite all it’s great and cosmic powers, technology cannot bring back all the photos you accidentally deleted of your 2008 trip to Italy. Seriously, technology? Do you think I’m buying that? No. If some guy can base jump off a satellite in outer SPACE and re-enter Earth’s atmosphere safely, then SURELY I can undo an unscheduled ‘delete all’ on my Olympus Digimax 4000 (or whatever it is).

3. The unintentional confessional.

Monster 2The horrific, sick-inducing moment you realise you just sent an email or text to the person the email or text is about. GUH!

This can also take the form of not hanging up the phone properly and talking smack about the person, who is now sitting on the other end of the phone, hearing your every word. Ouch.

This specific issue usually comes to your attention in one of two ways, they are:

a) you realise the very second you hit ‘send’ on the text message/email, or

b) you get a very confused and/or confrontational email/text back from the person, highlighting just how much of an A-Class jerk you are.

The ‘recall email’ feature in outlook is a farce. I’ve never heard of anybody who got it to work for them. The way it really goes down is: You send off your highly offensive communique “Doo dee doo annnnd send! ……. uh oh…. “, your unsuspecting victim receives it, “Oh look, a text for me! yay!”, reads it, “What the crap?”, forwards it to friends, “LOOK at what she sent me!”, then abuses you “You are the scum of the universe”. The remainder of your day is spent trying to convince yourself you’re not as bad as they said you are and also convince yourself they really did deserve to hear the truth. Brutal.

4. Eye-spy.

Monster 6The truly horrid moment you realise someone has just caught you doing something you thought nobody could see you doing. Ohhhhh yes, this old chestnut.

I would say this one usually takes the form of nudity, lewd and inappropriate acts and personal hygiene and maintenance. For example, you are walking around your house nude, listening to WHAM and stop to prop one leg up on the kitchen bench to clip your toenails. You’re halfway through hacking off a hangnail when suddenly your flat mate and her entire family walk in only to be greeted by you, in all your glory, being gross. Truly devastating.

5. The impending doom.

Monster 4The dreadful moment you realise you are about to be found out and there is nothing you can do about it.

Similar to the Eye-spy, this one usually always involves you doing something really gross and embarrassing. The kind of thing that, when discovered, will send you into hiding for weeks, maybe even months.

A prime example of this would be using the toilet at your new girlfriend’s house, doing an unscheduled number 2 and finding the toilet blocked. Panic-stricken, you scramble to find something, anything, to poke at it and hopefully dislodge it. But of course you are in a girl’s house and they are not accustomed with dealing with such beastly poos. There’s only so long you can hide out for and in those few short moments before you confess, you feel sick to the core. This is the stuff nightmares are made of.

These are my top five gut-wrenching, sick-inducing moments of realisation. I know there are many, many more so share your war stories in the comments below, I would LOVE to hear them. 



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13 Comments on You idiot

  1. escapetoeden // January 13, 2014 at 12:12 am // Reply

    Reblogged this on Hurricanes.


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