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Sometimes I feel like there’s something bigger in me. It’s a feeling that only really happens when I’m alone and sometimes when I’m talking to Matt about life. It is a feeling in my chest, it usually sits in my rib cage and starts to fill me up until I feel like my chest is about to burst.
It isn’t a feeling that’s scary or weird, it feels normal and it feels right. What it brings with it are questions, lots of questions. There seems to be something bigger in me and I feel this divine knowledge that this, right now, isn’t it. When I look around me, there’s a buzz and while I’m grateful for where I am right now, I know there’s so much more to come. I’m not wishing away my life, I’m just excited at knowing how much more life has in store for me.
At times I worry I’ve missed my calling, I think it’s easy to feel this way. Like somehow you messed up, you should’ve taken that job opportunity overseas, you should’ve studied something different at college or you should’ve taken that risk sooner. If you feel like this you need to know it’s never too late to follow your calling.
Your destiny and your path are just that, your destiny and your path. Whether you were supposed to do it ten years ago or ten months ago, you still have the ability to do it right now.
I have been on a bit of a roll lately pursuing writing and went to a course last Thursday night designed to help new writers crack into the freelance market. I went into the course full of pep and ready to learn but came out of the course feeling very down about it all.
While the people hosting the course probably had good intentions the main message was one of doom and gloom. They left me feeling I was on the wrong path and I shouldn’t be trying to make a career out of writing because it was too hard to succeed given there are so many others out there also trying to do it.
The presenters said “Don’t quit your day job, writing may just have to be a hobby for you, not a career.” If you’ve been reading my posts recently you will know this is going against everything I have been working towards. I’ve finally found something that makes me happy and I am trying to follow my heart into it only to seek leadership from others and be told not to waste my time.
This was a big kick in the teeth. Over the weekend I got very sick and today is the first day I’ve had to process all this information since it happened. I was watching television and heard someone talking about life and taking chances on themselves, everything I’ve been writing about on littlegreybox for the past few months.
Suddenly that feeling came back, a familiar swell in my chest and a safe knowledge that I am meant for more. Maybe attending the course was a test or a lesson for me. Sometimes I tend to give up when things get a little tricky, because I’m used to things just working out for me.
Something The Little Sage said to me came into my mind, Helen told me to widen my vision when it came to my success. Rather than focusing on the exact vision of what my success is, I should focus on how it felt. Maybe I attended the course because I thought it was a key part of my success and I let a narrowed view of my success creep into my mind. The presenters at the course may have been right, journalism isn’t the right path for me, but something else is.
By going to the course I had my sense of direction kicked around a bit but it has actually cleared something up for me and made me start to think my writing may go in a different direction, not working for newspapers or as a journalist. It’s something I’m not really sure of just yet, I don’t really know what the answer is but that feeling in my chest is telling me it’s going to be okay. Something is coming.
There are so many inspirational people in this world who got what they wanted because they went for it, they sought independence in their lives by being the master of their own destiny and I want the same thing.
Sometimes I find myself in that place I described earlier, where I feel I missed something and it’s too late for me, I should’ve found a way to listen to my heart sooner or mapped my career plan and studied for it. The simple truth is, it’s not too late and I’ve taken the path I needed to take to get where I am right now. Everything that happened in my life has led me to Matt and this point in my life where I’m actually making my dreams come true.
It can be hard to surrender to what’s in your heart, sometimes I compromise what it is I really want because I’m so worried about what other people will think of me. Will they think I’m vain, self-centred, arrogant or rude? Will they talk about me behind my back and call me a bitch or put me down? I’m sure they will and that’s hard to deal with but nobody, not one person in my life who I have truly loved and valued has done or said one of these things to me.
I haven’t missed my calling at all, I’m only at the beginning of this journey. The most important thing I can do now is listen to my heart and have trust in myself.