The truth about me
As a little girl my mum would buy me countless books and I would read and love each one. When I started to get older my love of books increased and I would lose days reading, exploring the many world’s of Roald Dahl.
At school my favourite subject was English, it was so much fun learning new words and working out how they fit together, the different sounds and meanings. How could one word mean two different things? How could words sound the same but be spelled different?
Somewhere along the way something changed and while I still loved words, books and learning new things I stopped enjoying it. By the end of grade 11 I had failed English. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand what was being taught, it was simply that I didn’t enjoy it anymore so I just stopped. I stopped doing, stopped learning, stopped caring. Part of this can be attributed to my English teacher at the time who I didn’t take very well to but it was my fault too.
To prove a point and ensure I didn’t end up unable to go to university I changed classes, turned my grades around and within 12 months went from a failing D student to an A student.
Somehow since that point I have found myself in my current job, which is a far cry from anything I ever thought I would be doing. I have a good job. It is secure, pays very well, my team are fantastic and my boss is great. What more could you ask for, right?
I was lucky enough to be able to take 12 months leave from my job and Matt and I move to London to work and travel. On our way over to London we spent a month in Bali, mainly because we both secretly hoped we’d become Julia Roberts and recreate ‘Eat Pray Love’.
Being so far from home without the distractions of phones, internet, friends, family and work we started to talk and once we started, we talked for days. We spoke of being so happy together, happy with family and friends and happy with our journey together on this big travelling adventure but both feeling empty when it came to our careers and needing change. Matt asked me, very simply, “What do you love to do?” and the answer was clear. It popped up into my head immediately but I was afraid to say it, I had never spoken to him about how much I love to read and write before, it was a part of me he didn’t know at all.
When I told him I wanted to write he was a little shocked but as always incredibly supportive and, having worked for magazines in the past, was full of ideas on how I could break into it like writing for newspapers once we arrived in London.
After we settled into London life I became very good friends with a kindred spirit at my new job and listened to her talk regularly about her good friend and the success she had found with her blog. This is how the idea for littlegreybox was born.
Matt was just excited about the idea and after some brainstorming sessions and engaging his abilities as a graphic designer we had a WordPress site, a name for the blog and a logo, a twitter and Facebook site and seeing as we were traveling so much, had it linked to tripadvisor as well.
Not long after I contacted the Australian Times and much to my surprise they said yes to me writing for them. I became a regular 9 to 5′er by day and writer by night. For the first time in my whole life when people asked me what I did for a living I was able to smile and say “I’m a writer” even though it was only part-time.
Despite my initial assumption that nobody in their right mind would take any interest in my little blog, littlegreybox started to take off and people started reading my posts. A few months after its creation one of my articles was freshly pressed and a few months later it happened again – I was on top of the world!
The blog became an outlet for me, a light when times were very dark in London and an outlet for all the thoughts and other crazy things buzzing around in my mind. Sometimes I find it hard to express things to people in person and organise my thoughts quickly enough to get my point across but when I write, it all comes out perfectly and it made me feel level again.
If you are a regular reader of littlegreybox you will have noticed a steady decrease in the frequency of my blogging. Slowly but surely I have been pulling away from it and writing less. The happiness I had felt when I was writing went away and it became a chore and something I avoided doing.
This has been plaguing me for months because I still love to write, so why wouldn’t I continue to pour myself into something I love and want to become a full-time career for me? For the same reason I failed English in grade 11. Because I didn’t enjoy it anymore, so I stopped.
It wasn’t until last week that I came to understand why this had happened. I spoke at length with a life coach last Wednesday and she helped me discover that writing for littlegreybox had made me happy in London because it was something I did just for me, but over time it had stopped being just for me and had become about other people.
I would sit down to write an article and feel burdened with pressure, trying to write something funny and topical that everyone would love. I was constantly trying to write without offending anyone, say the wrong thing, come across a certain way or sound plain stupid. This is how it became a chore and this is how it became about everyone else, rather than me pouring the thoughts out of my head into my blog.
So here we are…. You and me… reader and writer…. I love to write and I love littlegreybox so I’m not going to stop blogging. There is going to be a change in my writing though and sharing this story with you is the beginning of it.
Littlegreybox will still be about travel and stories, reviews and recommendations but it will also be about the journey I am on now, finding my truth and living it. I’m going to embrace where I am right now in my life and share it with you very openly and honestly, without fear of writing the wrong thing, because I’m doing this for me.
I’m excited to share all of this with you and I’m happy you took the time to read this post, thank you. Please, if you have any thoughts or advice on this topic, post them in the comments – if you’re having or have had your own identity crisis, I’d love to hear it!
littlegreybox.
40 Comments on “The truth about me”
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What is littlegreybox?
littlegreybox is a meeting point of humorous perspective, food and travel experiences and my life journey. It's my outlet, a source of inspiration and a way to share and connect with people around the world.
I can certainly understand the ‘not-being-fun’ any more part. That’s why I’m not a nurse any more. And when I started my blogs, I wanted them to be what I wanted to write; I had no particular audience in mind; I was writing for the love of writing. So far, I haven’t lost that. Whether it’s blogging, or painting, or anything you love to do, if you start doing it for other people instead of for yourself, the joy of doing it is lost. I’m glad you’re not giving up on blogging! :-)
Thank you Ruth! I’m glad I’m not giving up either and hearing from people like you who have followed it and loved it, really inspires me :)
I love to read and write and I do it almost daily if I can. Sometimes my husband asks me if I ever going to stop writing. I tell him never, I got to much creativity and to much to say.
haha that’s the best attitude to have Katlynn :) keep going with your writing!
I can very much relate to the loss of interest in writing when you realize it’s become less for you and more for other people. It’s difficult when you have feelings and ideas you want to express, but can’t say them knowing that certain people will see it. I’ve actually started my blog as a “secret” blog…something I haven’t told my friends or family about that I can write on every so often about the things I really need to tell someone, but can’t. So I wish you the best of luck in trying to work out your identity. I’ve created a fake one to help me find mine :)
It’s great that you’ve found a way to get things out of your mind through your secret blog. When you’re ready you’ll be able to share it with your friends and family and they’ll be amazed to learn about this whole new side of you. But for now, it’s just yours… and that makes it very pure.
I think sometimes when you do something for a long time, no matter how much we love it, we become more susceptible to the inevitable “burnout” and blogging is no different. In the beginning, most bloggers (myself included) just want to expand our audience and tend to filter less about what we write. But once our audience grows (and FP certainly helps), the pressure to please other people grows as well, perhaps unconsciously. Taking time off and stepping away helps a lot in redefining perspectives and I’m glad you’ve decided not to give up but to keep going for yourself. :)
Thanks Lillian, this really sums up what has been going on. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment
Ditto! Keep it up, don’t be afraid to express yourself you may be surprised ;) I have also started to abandon my humble blog space.. I have ideas on what I would like to write and how, I certainly have had enough going on to write about in recent months, but for some reason I hold back.. I’m still figuring out why.. maybe it’s like you said, thinking to much of other people! xx
Yep, you could be in the same spot I have been – bound by expectations… your own… what you think others are? Take some time out and reconnect with yourself then have another go at writing, write what you want to write…. keep me posted on how it goes for you! At least you know there’s one other person going through the exact same thing :)
I will do, and thanks ;)
Awesome Phoebs! Write what feels right when it feels right. You should write for YOU – because you love it. Does this mean we get wedding posts now?! I hope so :)
hahaha maybe Ingy, it has to be what comes out of my heart. I have tried to write about the wedding a few times but it always ends up negative, more of me venting my frustrations than a happy re-telling. Maybe once the wedding happens I’ll have the rounded out ‘joyful’ experience, for now it’s a mix of joy and stress :)
This is such a well written piece – from its Roald Dahl start, to its identity-seeking end. I completely agree on sometimes feeling more influenced by others than yourself. In my case, living in a city like Brussels is a constant identity crisis – being surrounded by friends of different nationalities, struggling to reconcile what I love about living abroad while missing home at the same time, not to mention my inherent inability to filter content rather than impulsively jumping online and writing about whatever I’m obsessed with on a given day. Whatever form my blog may have taken up until now, there are days I love it and days when I’m disappointed at what I’ve put up. But at least I know it is for me. And I cannot wait to read your new posts as you do the same.
Jess I went through the same thing living in London, you lose yourself. Especially not having the grounding of your family around you. Thanks for the support and kind words about my writing :)
I got goosebumps reading that Phoebe!! When people are open and honest and unapologetic it’s liberating and it inspires others to do the same. I’m very proud of you!
Thanks Hanny :) what you said means a lot to me… miss you x
It has happened to me before! Whenever I write without authenticity it feels like a huge chore. What’s more is that the readers notice! When I worry about being interesting, sounding cool, who might be offended– my readership always goes down and I’m unhappy with what I’m putting out there. Good for you! Excited to keep reading ~H
Argh – exactly, when I write something forced and what I think people want my readers don’t respond as well… this article has received more comments than any other in a long time because of the honesty. Thanks for the support Heather :) and the tweets x
I enjoy how everything we do in our lives is a way of discovering who and how we are…and how that’s always changing
I really like your comment, to be honest I hadn’t rounded out my thinking like that – considering that all of this has happened for me to get to this point of discovery. Thank you!
I truly recognize what you are saying here, because I have been there. Really. There are times when I feel like I have to write, because people expect me to. People want me to and all of the sudden my mind blocks, I grow frustrated and create a piece of shit. Therefore I am happy you have found this out too and therefore decide to change ways. I will be right here, to read all that you write anyway. Whenever you want, about whatever you want :)
Thanks Marcos :)
“finding my truth and living it” – this is great! When you do this, the whole world opens up to you, not just with your blog, but in every corner of your life.
Good luck – looking forward to reading more x
You’ve started a mind avalanche :) thank you so so much Helen.
A great post (they have always been – a blog of yours was one of the first I read – can’t remember how – and I remember it still). You’re right about the writing for you though. I have recently been wondering why I enjoy blogging so much and have come to the conclusion it’s because I’m writing for me; if others enjoy it too that’s great, but not necessary.
Ah Grumpy Tyke, your comments always make me smile. I had no idea one of my posts was one of the first you read, I feel special. You’re spot on, writing for yourself is the key. Thanks for reading my posts, knowing like-minded people are out there reading and relating to my words keeps me focused.
This post has been so encouraging to me. There was a blissful time when I wrote for just me, and I could crank out blog posts without giving a second thought to who read them, what they thought, etc. I love telling stories, but now telling a story seems harder than ever what with viewing numbers and likes and comments thrown into the mix. Not that those things haven’t always been around, but they’ve certainly become mind consuming within the last year. So thanks for sharing your writing struggles! Really appreciate it.
I completely agree Holly, the thought of views, likes and clicks weighs on your mind. Rather than writing what I want I’m trying to manufacture something to get the most views. I’m really happy this post has been encouraging to you, I hope you get your groove back too :)
Hi Holly,
Have fun writing your own way again, don’t be afraid of writing right or wrong its not politically correct to have no choice over airing your own thoughts :)
Great Blog
Honesty is the Best Policy
Love Victoria xx
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honesty is always best. be brave. Good to see you back I’ve missed your posts! :-)
Wow :) thank you… It’s nice to be missed!
Interesting post. I hope you continue to find outlets for your creativity – if not here.
I had some twilight zone events happen and it shocked the writer out of me. I have always enjoyed writing, but now I need to give myself permission, and get back into practice. I related well to your post,
You’re right, it’s up to you to give yourself back the power to write. I hope you find it soon and get back into something you enjoy!
Oh Pheebs, thank you sooo much for writing this. It was you that inspired me to start blogging – something I really wanted to do but never had the courage to. I am by no means a writer but found blogging a great outlet for my rants. Lately I feel like I have lost my mojo too but thanks to you, I realize that I am not alone in feeling this way and I too am going to rediscover the joy that I get from doing blogs – and take the pressure off myself, I started doing it for me, if people read them and enjoy them, (not just my Mum) well that’s just a bonus.
It’s bewildering and amazing to me that I inspired you to blog, I’m really happy you started doing it Shorty. Maybe you haven’t lost your mojo but you feel bound to writing a set theme? Try writing something new, keep it fresh and exciting for yourself, new topics, new genre… write something fictional, write about your favourite book, whatever you want. Definitely take the pressure off yourself and you’ll find the love for it come flooding back, remember this is something you do for yourself, an outlet, not a chore. Keep me posted!
Very inspiring- thank you! I would love it if you could email me any more inspiring stories!
Yes I would love to :) I’ll have a think and send something through. Thanks for reading.