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It is a very well-known fact that men don’t always know the best thing to say. For years we’ve watched hapless male stereotypes on a variety of American sitcoms bumble their way through very awkward and very funny social situations with women.
Whether it is characters like Chandler, Joey and Ross making unfortunate comments about how the girls look in an outfit or their body-shape or more recently Leonard, Raj and Howard saying the completely wrong thing at the wrong time. But these characters are not the only men on the planet putting their feet in their mouths when it comes to interaction with women.
I’m not condemning men or even trying to pigeon-hole them. You have to understand that I take great joy in these awkward moments. When a man makes a flippant or ill thought out comment only to realise its alternate meaning a moment too late, I can’t help but laugh. This post is not about hanging men out to dry; it’s about sharing the very funny, and usually very offensive, things they say to you without even realising it and finding the lighter side in their way of thinking (or not thinking in some cases).
The subject of ex-girlfriends is quite often a touchy one. If a woman were to meet an ex-girlfriend or even just see a photo of her you can guarantee that she is quickly assessing the ex and running a very detailed mental inventory to establish exactly how and why she is better looking than the ex.
In every instance the woman will firmly establish that, for a variety of reasons, the man has come up in the world since his ex and she is far, far better looking than the ex. This may seem petty to a man but it’s our nature, like it or not. Some animals mark their territory with pee, but seeing as that’s impractical and extremely unhygienic we choose to mark a man as ‘our’ territory now by asserting physical dominance through deconstructing the ex’s appearance. Complicated? You bet. Welcome to the female mind.
The reasons we deem ourselves to be superior quality to the ex can be quite extensive and can include, but are not limited to, the following: the ex is older, shorter, taller, balding, has split ends, doesn’t use anti-dandruff shampoo, has a faux-fur handbag, has bad teeth, bad breath, greasy roots, large pupils, is too pale, uses too much fake tan, has too many tattoos, wears nasty clothes and of course my personal favourite, is more hefty (i.e. the kind of way of saying “I’m thinner than you are, lady!”).
Naturally the male brain doesn’t make any of these split second calculations. He see’s the ex, probably remembers the last time they did it then realises that you’re there with him and starts to panic. He isn’t thinking about the chipped, fluoro yellow nail varnish she’s wearing that totally clashes with her outfit, he’s thinking about how to get out of this situation. Fast.
Personally I’m not fazed with running into ex-girlfriends. Mainly because home-girl’s packing heat and I’d like to see any other broad compare to what I’m rockin’… mmm-hmmmm *finger snap*. I don’t usually speak like that nor do any form of finger-snapping, I don’t know what came over me there. But basically, meeting an ex is a non-issue for me. These types of situations however, are usually where a man’s brain implodes and he undoubtedly ends up saying the wrong thing, which I do find very entertaining.
Recently Matt and I ran into one of his ex’s who, from the few seconds we interacted, seemed to be a genuinely lovely girl. Matt was suitably awkward and I relished every second standing next to him watching the awkward exchange between them, both painfully aware of my presence, which just compounded the awkwardness. Like any normal woman I conducted the obligatory assessment and mental inventory to determine just where and how I am hotter than her and in my opinion, came up trumps.
Later that day while catching up with friends we relayed the story of running into the ex, all four of us laughing at how awkward the situation was. Naturally one of our friends asked if I had felt uncomfortable meeting the ex, I quickly replied “No, not at all, she was absolutely lovely and besides, I’m thinner than she is”. It is at this point that a very quizzical look came across Matt’s face as he looked me over and said “Really?”
Now I’ll give you a second to let that sink in while you process the situation. The words ‘problem’ and ‘fatal error’ spring to mind.
Understandably a silence fell over the four of us as I stared, dumbfounded, at the man while our two friends shifted uncomfortably in their seats, one of them struggling to stifle their giggles.
There are a vast number of words which could’ve saved this situation occurring in the first place like, oh I don’t know, ‘Yes’ or ‘I agree’. Something like ‘of course’ or ‘definitely’ would have been better choices over the questioning ‘Really?’ that escaped his mouth. Whatever the thought process behind it, he got this one wrong.
Suffice it to say that Matt is still alive and kicking despite his lingual mishap and I’m on a strict no-carb diet, hanging out at the Shell service station on Sunday’s hoping to get a chance to weigh-in with the ex.
So tell me, what uncomfortable things has your man said? Has your loose-lipped boyfriend, husband, Dad or even friend made comment on ill-fitting jeans, un-waxed upper lips or puffy eyes? Let me know!