Fight or flight
It isn’t until you arrive at an airport that you remember just how much flying sucks.
The problem with flying is there are so many potential hazards, too many to avoid and too many to compensate for.
I can walk down the street and pass 200 people and maybe one or two will annoy me somehow. But stick me on a plane and all of a sudden every inconsiderate, annoying person in the state has decided to fly at the same time I have and the perils are endless. You need to attend the Macgyver school of survival if you’re going to stand a chance of getting out of a long haul flight alive.
On a recent flight home the lady to my right decided to take a nap. After a few minutes she was comatose and her bouffant, fluffy hair started to inch closer and closer toward my face. For over an hour she lolled in and out of sleep on my shoulder, her hair crawling all over my skin, making my inner germaphobe cringe.
The problem was, I’m too polite to wake her. This begs the question, how many considerate flyers are out there? Because you can guarantee when I’m trying to take a nap the passenger next to me has an unreasonably tiny bladder and needs to pee every five minutes or laugh loudly at Mr Bean re-runs.
Planes make good people go bad, there are stand up arguments about leg room, tray tables and knocked seats. If you’re in the middle seat of plane then you need to sit down and stake your claim on some armrest space before world war III erupts in aisle 12.
I was lucky enough to land the middle seat on a 13 hour, long-haul flight next to a woman who must have recently escaped from an asylum. Once in the air she closed the window shade, wore her blanket like a cloak and curled up in her seat with the tray table down, effectively locking her in. I tried to sleep through her Phantom of the Opera routine but she kept huffing and puffing and after 6 hours she turned to abuse me for having my reading light on. I kindly pointed out that it was, in fact, her own light that was on and not mine but she wasn’t buying it, so the flight attendant was dragged into it and I moved seats, after ensuring my reading light was left on.
There are many aspects of plane etiquette, most of which are ignored by your average passenger. I subscribe to a ‘do unto others’ philosophy and never recline my seat in the hopes the person in front will do the same – so far it isn’t paying off.
Another courtesy commonly overlooked is the need to brush your teeth and wear deodorant. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to resort to breathing through my mouth like Darth Vader so I don’t succumb to the foul gas seeping from the face of the person next to me.
Sometimes things get taken to the extreme. Some years ago I arrived in Sydney and was horrified to see two 50-year-old men jumping up on seats having an all in brawl over the fasten seatbelt sign, with a frantic gay flight attendant sandwiched in between them somewhere. It was awesome.
It is beyond me how we can send people into space, transplant limbs and develop a vaccine for cervical cancer but the airplane boffins can’t design a seating plan that doesn’t result in your face being jammed up against the tiny LED screen every time a chair is reclined.
Until very recently I had never experienced the sheer luxury of first class, mainly because I’m poor. Having oversold a seven hour flight from Iceland to New York the airline upgraded us to first class. I don’t know if you’ve been up there before, but it’s magical.
There is a free gift waiting for you and the seats are huge with around six different drink holders in them, which you’ll need for all the free booze they ply you with. For seven perfect hours we ate hors d’oeuvres, a three course meal, drank French Champagne & watched movies. It was better than my actual living room and best of all not an annoying passenger in sight! Sadly it will be a one time only event, but rest assured we lived like Kings up there for the full seven hours.
Flying is hard enough as it is and it’s only a matter of time before someone snaps off a tray table and goes postal on some unruly children or foul breathed beast. But it won’t be me, oh no, I’ll be sitting there quietly, seething, plotting a way to strangle the offender with a seatbelt all the while smiling politely, enjoying my pretzels.
littlegreybox.
38 Comments on “Fight or flight”
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littlegreybox is a meeting point of humorous perspective, food and travel experiences and my life journey. It's my outlet, a source of inspiration and a way to share and connect with people around the world.
I don’t fly often; in fact, it’s been several years since I have. The screaming kids are what bothered me the most then. And I don’t believe I ever saw flight attendants wearing uniforms like the one in your picture – love them!
They should bring them back, develop a really cool, retro airline! I’d love it!
Haha loved this. What I don’t understand is how people manage to bring babies on flights. I mean, it’s one thing to endure these hardships on your own, but it’s an entirely different thing to endure them accompanied by a crying pooping machine that makes everyone glare at you.
That’s exactly why I didn’t whinge about crying babies in this post. I can take a shower, brush my teeth and wear deodorant, so I can whinge about people not doing it on flights.
But I could not look after an upset baby on a 15 hour flight with people glaring at me while I juggle 10 different baby bags. No way. So there’s no way I can whinge about it on here.
All the mums and dads that do that… Wow. It looks like really hard work!
must win the lottery so I can take first class
very entertaining (if scary) post
Thank you :) me too…
Dear LGB,
You must have been expecting to hear from me ;-) Here is my advice, recline your seat. Not during the meal service, take-off or landing, but at all other times, feel free. It’s designed to be reclined. You paid for the privilege of a reclining chair, so did the person in front of you, so use it and enjoy.
Love Red
I know you’re right, Red. I just need to man up and do it!
Last flight I was on,10 days ago, someone took my carefully reserved window seat with a dog in a box under her legs, at least 3 large packages accompanying it – so to have insisted she move would have left me unable to leave the seat. She also had a bag bulging too large to go in the overhead space so there were additional long confrontations including spreading her undies all over the aisle and repacking them in carrier bags to slim down the bag. Beware what is let on your plane if you ever fly from Amsterdam. If it happens on the return flight tomorrow …
I’ve always been lucky. If I can reserve online I usually do it so I can get an aisle seat. That way I can visit the restroom without climbing over people!
One gets used to it … I’ve done many many long haul flights (Europe to NZ mostly) and now i always bring ear plugs. They are a godsend.
We have a long haul from LA to Australia, I’m going to invest in earplugs and give them a try! Thanks!
I know, I’m like you: love travelling, hate flying. It’s very inconvenient.
What a great blog. I’ve been lucky enough to fly business class on two occasions and felt a bit like Eddie Murphy in ‘Trading Places’ – i.e. “Is this mine? Is this mine?”
“Yes sir. There’s no need to stuff it all in your pockets and hand luggage when you think I’m not looking…”
Hahahahhahaha that’s exactly how I felt!
Well spotted :-) I definitely wish I were rich enough to travel first class!
This is hilarious! And you have captured how it really is when flying! lol! great one!
Thank you for reading :)
Thank you! You have taken my fear of air travel to an irrational level. I will continue to say “I’ve never been on an airplane” as long as I possibly can-because thankfully, it’s still true.
Hahaha oh no! If I didn’t fly I’d have nothing to whinge and moan about, it’s not all bad :) can you tell I’m trying to back track here?
Amen to that…! Having been a flight attendant, I came to the conclusion that people check in their brains with their luggage. Oh, and their manners, too.
Love the pictures! Great post!
I’m so glad a real flight attendant agrees. You guys are always so patient, I always think it’s just me being a silly passenger. You must have nerves (and noses) of steel to deal with them day in and day out.
I truly sympathise!! Some people are just plain rude and badly need a wash! :)
Maybe I should start handing out personal antibacterial body wipes?
ha ha love this, made me laugh out loud. I havent flown too many times in my life but I can sympathise, I have little to zero tolerance for other people in my personal space, especially when you can’t escape their annoying habits or ‘personal odours’!
I know what you mean about personal space, I even get cranky when I’m in a line at a coffee shop and someone stands 5cm away from my back, pretty much pressed against me. Standing right on my butt isn’t making the queue move quicker! Gah!
Hi again. No dogs (see earlier comment) yesterday but having stored my (small) shoulder bag, with one or two fragile items, very carefully some impolite idiot moved it without a word because he could not get his oversized bag in the overhead locker. He was really upset when I took it out and put mine back. But having come through Manchester airport at about 5.30-6pm yesterday I want to vote this airport as the world’s worst. When I’ve recovered from the 24hr journey I’ll do a post on my own blog (www.grumpytyke.com) and see if I get some warnings about other passenger-killing airports to avoid.
Hahahahahha I read your first comment with jaw dropped down the entire time. Perfect example of the lack of consideration I’m talking about, sadly it is also a very funny story and I couldn’t help but laugh at your misfortune haha :)
So glad you didn’t have to harm anyone on the return journey.
You’re my first follower! I love you! Yay!
Hahaha snaww, you’re so sweet! Looking forward to reading your posts, go forth and Blog! (love you too) P :)
Thanks so much! Hihi!
I get worse on my train commute, I think, eg, people head back and snoring with mouths wide open, lying down and hogging seats etc etc. I really feel like blowing a whistle in their ears sometimes.
Oh and I used to take and blog photos of people doing this kind of thing on the train. Even better than a whistle!
You just reminded how flying is definitely over-rated. LOL. EXCELLENT post. Always a pleasure to read your writings. A look inside the box :D
Pink.
Hey, great blog! I’m flying back home from S.Korea to California soon and I’m definitely not looking forward to the 12 hour flight, lol.
This is kinda off topic, but I was wondering how you managed to display more than 10 posts on your home page? I have the same theme as you and I would really like my pages to show more posts. Thanks for reading! :)
i am affraid of flights or airplanes. :( It’s a fobia that I have, or something like that…
Lot of truth covered in this story. Only flew twice, but my god…. people can be annoying.
Agree w/ Marco Gonzales. This post would be hilarious if it wasn’t so true. ;)
An alternative title could be “Flight Fright”. :)